Dear 21 year old self
Dear 21 year old Sarah,
The following things will not make complete sense to you because there really is no substitute for time, and it took time and experience for me to wrap my heart and mind around the following things. Most of these lessons I am still in the process of learning and will continue to learn through the years in deeper and deeper ways. But here ya go anyway… enjoy them, you bright eyed baby, you….
The “goal” of what you are pursuing is not the greatest part of life. The greatest gift that life offers are the daily moments on the journey towards that goal- so be present to them.
Focus on changing yourself, not others. The greatest way to influence others is to take responsibility for yourself and your own growth. This is true as a wife, as a Counselor, as a mom, as a friend. As Ghandi so wisely put it, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”
A great question to ask anytime you are faced with the same challenge over and over again is:
Is what I’m doing helpful?
Is what I’m doing who I want to be?
Truth is often found in paradox.
Embrace your slightly larger than average nose. When people tell you that you look like Barbara Streisand, or “like Jennifer Aniston but with a bigger nose”, just smile and feel deep down a contentment that God made you perfect the way you are and even if your nose was smaller, it’s not like it would help you make more friends or increase your IQ. Just love yourself as you are. The only person in your way of contentment as you are is yourself.
Marriage is meant to shape you, not fulfill you. Marriage is about your rough edges rubbing up against someone else’s and witnessing how your “stuff” affects another- it will expose your issues, your insecurities, your areas that have been neglected all these years. Use this messy space as a way to see yourself patterns and habits more clearly, and to change you and heal you. Utilize LOTS of forgiveness- first for yourself, then for the other. You cannot give the latter without the former. Marriage is a primary means for growing your soul.
Observe your emotions. Emotions are simply a physically felt energy that runs through your body. Observation of your body while feeling these powerful surges will give you enough space between your true self and your emotional self. If you can’t witness your emotions, they will control you and propel you to react. The emotions that control you are simply ones that are unobserved. Observing your emotions, and the discomfort that can accompany them, allows you to see how you habitually react in the world, and gives you the power back in CHOOSING how to act, rather than react. THIS TAKES A LOT OF PRACTICE. It does not happen over night.
Growth takes time. Healing takes time. So be kind and gracious to yourself in the process.
You are not fat. In fact, you are the skinniest you will ever be, so ENJOY THAT BODY THAT YOU ARE IN, SISTER.
Your thoughts will shape who you are. Your mind is like a garden- you can sow positive thoughts with intention or sow nothing at all, but make no mistake: not sowing intentionally will still yield a crop. It will yield a crop of default thinking. Human nature defaults to negative, fearful thoughts. If you are not intentional, your default thinking will SINK YOU.
You have no CONTROL over others around you- you only have INFLUENCE.
There are only two ways to live- in LOVE or FEAR. If you don’t know which one you are in at the moment, consider that each of them have a quality about them. Love opens, and Fear closes. Is your current posture towards life “open”, or “closed and clinging”? Live with an open heart.
Forgiveness is freedom.
Hold loosely to your opinions. They have a way of changing a lot. The more you discover and learn, the more you'll realize just how little you know. Strong opinions soothe insecure souls.
It will all work out. It always has. It always will. You’ll learn one day to keep a daily journal to document this truth, because it’s so easy when facing a challenge to REMEMBER that in the countless number of situations you were in beforehand, you came out the other side often wiser and in a better place than you were before.
Don’t take things personally. The way others treat you has much more to do with their own insecurities and shame than it has to do with yours.
To make a friend, be a friend. When you give out the very thing you want in life, you will receive it back ten-fold.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Don’t believe everything you feel.
You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are also weaker than you want to be. So be strong and humble. Doesn’t make sense to you now, but those paradox’s man. They will end up being your favorite things to think about.
Compassion towards yourself will cultivate compassion for others. In fact, there is no way to have compassion for others unless you can offer and receive it into yourself first.
As Maria Wilke once said, have patience with all that is unresolved in you. The greatest journey’s on earth are taken by the people who had the courage to live their questions, rather than demand immediate answers. Doubt can be a great catalyst to helping you move out of your comfort zone, and help move truth from your head to your heart.
Just a few thoughts for your road ahead. I’ll keep you updated as I go along…
Always Love,
Your future self